Old Journal finds.

August of 2014. This view.

I opened my journal and began to re-read what my heart had learned that summer day.

"I watched as the waves hit the rock lined shore. I'm embraced by a second line of rocks, which create a safe barrier from the crashing waves. This line of rocks created a small pond. As I listen, listen. The small ponds end showed sections of stagnate growth. It moves every so slowly. Almost enough to feel alive, yet almost dead. On the other hand, the powerful waves hit the first line of rocks with such great force they feel so alive, roaring with life." 

In this moment. I remember two questions. 

1. Which lifestyle have I embraced? 

2. Which am I called to live? 

Living in the pond, oh it has its comforts. The ability to move ever so much as to feel alive and safe within its borders. You see, the front line rocks is a risk. So much life, so much movement. Powerful place, those front rocks. With each tide, these rocks face the force head on. These waters are always moving, always happening, always challenging. 

What then does it look like to live in the front lines? Face life, fully living. 

I can almost hear Jesus say with great excitement, "I have come that you might have life, and have life to the full." 

Chose to live on the front lines. Get messy. Feel oh so alive.  

Lessons in Tennessee.

1045pm. A good time to start a road trip to Nashville right?

We thought so too.

1 car. 2 ladies. Lots of snacks. Open roads.

It was 0145 time to re-fill. As I pulled into the gas station, found an open pump (it was such a hard task at one in the morning), I came to a stop and let my eyes meet the hundreds of bugs glued to the windshield. I had noticed "some" bugs on the windshield as I drove, but being completely illuminated by the bright gas station lights I was a little disturbed by the mass amounts I hadn't noticed. Like many of you, the easy solution was the fancy squeegee and a little window cleaner.

0330. Radio blasting, maybe some impromptu dancing (don't judge, only if you witnessed the immaculate dance moves can you be judging). As on coming traffic passed their headlights would once again illuminate the now adding number to the bugs "hanging" out on my windshield. I was getting over the fact this is a normal assurance and oddly enough I should pry not let it be bugging me. But, I was bothered. Not by the bugs.

Does my heart have any resemblance to my windshield?

As I journey through life sometimes I find it much easier to hide. To hide dark parts of my heart. Parts I don't want others to see, even parts I don't want to see. Somedays its easy to hide. However, a soft word, a verse, a friend - illuminates my "bugs" on my windshield. Other times, I am parked at a gas station and my entire heart is illuminated showing each door, each room, and each area. You see, I can hide until my heart meets light. So how much do I allow the light to illuminate my heart? Do I allow glimpses of passing head lights - maybe missing the real picture of my heart because glimpses gives me some form of "security." Or do I allow a gas station to illuminate every inch of my heart.

If I am honest, the gas station moments are hard. I see the rawness of my life, my heart. Yet, allowing God to take a fancy squeegee and clean off every dead area I am left with the ability to see life through a clean perspective.

I'm a little more aware of my windshield these days. At times, I only see things as on coming traffic illuminates my life. Other times, I park in a gas station and let the entirety of who God is wash over me leaving me better than I found myself.

How is your windshield looking these days?

A healing, broken solider.

February.

        Spirits high. I had made it a whole 1 year at a Registered Nurse on a Medical Surgical floor! I went from being that spastic, nervous cat to a professional, witty, sarcastic nurse who walked into each room confidently. There were hundreds of stories to already share. Ones leaving your face and stomach hurting from laughter. Others only certain ears could hear for their weak stomachs might give. While others would simply grab your hearts and tears was the only natural reaction possible. I couldn't have imagined working with any other audience then these men and women who gave everything for the freedoms I am given.

February.

       This particular Veteran came in with multiple comorbidities (two or more chronic diseases). He was left in tremendous pain. He didn't want to be touched, moved. He would yell out, become increasingly angry, and if one didn't do exactly what he asked...run. So imagine the joy that comes over me as I walk into his room to introduce myself. Instantly, my goal was to win this veterans trust and honor. Yes, over the next few weeks I got the "look" (you better get it right next time type), had stern conversations, and simply listened when things became frustrating. However, each day I requested to have this Veteran. Over the month and half, I listened, explained everything I was doing, and educated every moment.

April.

      As I walked into the patients room...not there. My stomach dropped. I had only seen this Veteran move three times a week. Bed to stretcher back to bed. And it wasn't a day to be moved to a stretcher. WHERE IS MY PATIENT. Just when I thought my anxiety level was going to tear the ceiling right off I hear, "Molly, here I am." I turn around. My patient is SITTING in a wheelchair. Not only sitting, smiling, laughing. Went for a little stroll with family, outside to enjoy a breath of fresh air (a little brisk, but hey!). I wish I could just plop you into my shoes for one moment. You all. I freaked. Tears welled up. This moment was one very few believed would happen. Hugs were given, cheers were had, and this Veteran later walked out of the hospital.

July.

     "Molly. Hi dear. We are back." I look up to see the wife. The diseases had taken over. He was given days. Maybe a week. "I had to come over to your floor and find you. I had to tell you how much you meant to my husband and myself. He never stopped talking about you. The care you gave him, how he felt cared for and loved through you. I hope you always remember that." I'd like to say I composed myself well in this moment. I then walked over to the floor the patient was on to say a little hello. At this point the report I received was poor. He wasn't responding. Little to no communication. I leaned over the bed, put my hand on his shoulder..."Its Nurse Molly. What I fighter you are! I can never say it enough, Thank you thank you for serving our country and the bravery and courage you have always shown. I am so sorry for your pain. You were such a blessing to me and will never forget your stories." As he tried to find words I realized I might not get those from him. I gave the wife one last hug and as I reached the door I heard, "Thank-you."

     I will forever get teared up, overwhelmed, and have a million goosebumps thinking of this story.

May you know your presence is enough. May you enjoy every moment you walk. You breath fresh air. You are pain free. You are truly living. This man taught me again to live life to its very fullest. And to not take the "smallest" of blessings for granted.

Still in awe.
 

Is everything Replaceable?

0640. Scrubs on. Lunch packet. It was a similar morning like many start. Time to get to work.

Unlock my car door, get ready to toss my lunch into my car, and I notice a piece of glass on my drivers seat. "Where did that..." I glanced up. My heart sank. 

I raced through my car. What was left? What had been taken? I searched. Searched more. My purse. Oh no! Its gone! Cash. Cards. ID. Gift cards. Random notes. Favorite wallet. Great purse. I mean guys this was truly a great purse. Maybe still stained by some ice cream. But really a great purse. 

My entire day was affected. My mood. My attitude. My Emotions. 

Instantly, I felt vulnerable, weak, and attacked.
Broken. 

Instantly, I needed. I needed to make more phone calls than I wanted. Pay for a replaceable window. Get replaceable cards. Find a replaceable purse, wallet, favorite pen...all replaceable.  

I rushed inside its now 0650. Awake my roommate who in one leap out of bed - became my superhero. Rushed me to work, made sure I was cared for, and had back up plans. 

Unfortunate event turned my gaze upward. 

1. I am dependent. When my purse was gone, I instantly was angry and sad. Over an object? A replaceable one? How much time does my purse represent? Well, a lot. It carries so many things I use throughout my day. However, replaceable things. Necessary yes. However, the dependence I have on a purse...do I have that same dependence constantly with my Heavenly father? My family? I need others more than I often think. I need a Savior every single day! 

2. People are not replaceable. Yes, friends come and go. Family come and go. I am reading a book currently, "Love Does." By Bob Goff. He states, "I use to want to fix people, now I just want to be with them." Many friends and family don't hold my same belief system or even my opinions. I naturally love brining peace to situations and naturally want to fix people. I mean I am a nurse! Its kinda what I do often. However, love goes beyond this. What if everyday I chose to simply be with them, those who are not replaceable. 

Bottom line. Someone broke my window. I was upset. 

I replaced the cards. Still need a new favorite purse and wallet. 

I want to fix some people. But I want to just be with them more than fix them. 

Love does. 

Game of Cards...?

To my fellow, compassionate, inspiring peeps!

Question: You ever pick up a deck of cards, start a game, and realized you are missing a Jack? Maybe a Queen, a 4 of diamonds, or an ace of hearts? What are you going to do now? Start a different game? Look for another deck of cards? Become angry, frustrated, or disappointed? Maybe even loose any zeal to even play the game?

The thing about playing a game of cards is it takes every single card for the game to work the way it was designed. You could try to play and just hope it worked out. Maybe play a different game that didn’t require each card. You have options. However, the original thought was a great game of cards with every card present!

You have heard so many definitions of nurses. Let me remind you of a few:

A Nurse:

An individual who dares to go the extra mile and is resilient enough to do it again tomorrow.

It is said if you save one life, you’re a hero. Save a hundred lives, you’re a nurse.

Nurses: understand, plan, encourage, wipe tears, heal, refer, assess, counsel, laugh, touch, bandage, organize, comfort, respond, monitor, hold a hand, all without a prescription.

You getting it yet? YOU are pretty freaking amazing! YOU matter. YOU make this team (this deck of cards) work the way it was designed. Know the day is better when the deck is all-present. 

Wherever you are in this journey. May each time you see a deck of cards, may it serve as a reminder of how much you matter to your team! And know you are never alone in this journey! Like each card has such a specific job, specific task, specific function you and I are quit the same. We each have unique talents, strengths, and gifts we bring to the team. Build into those strengths, celebrate your gifts, and use those talents! For when we each live that out we function as a whole.

Make today great and tomorrow even greater! Never know whose life you will change!

And for those reading who have said to themselves..."Great, I'm not a nurse so..." Here is the deal. You are around people. Who influence other people. Who work on teams. So you my dearest friend are part of a deck. You have the chance to live out each strength, gift, and insight each day! Be present. Be wholly there. Never know the impact you are creating! 

Live loud people! 

Missed the STOP sign.

It was 2230.
Mission: Relocate a friend aka moving day. Three loads. Lots of stairs.

Music up. Eyes fixed. Thoughts racing. Driving.

You ever get lost in your thoughts?
Lost in memories?
Lost in dreams?
Lost in your mountain top moments?
Lost in your failed attempts?
Lost in joy, peace?
Lost in hurts, disappointments?
Lost in everything?

As my mind was lost, my phone lights up. Text: "You just totally blew through that stop sign..."

My mind instantly snapped to attention. "WHAT!" Looking in my rear view mirror...sure enough, a stop sign starred at my mirror. Wow! How did I not even see the sign? How had my eyes totally missed the red and white..the big letters... S T O P.

I started thinking of the implications of stop signs - their use, intention, and safety. What if someone had been walking? What if another car was about to enter into the intersection? There are so many things that could have gone drastically wrong. Yet, I was spared.

Reflecting on this night my heart was moved. On this friday, good friday - what a message for my wondering heart. A message to STOP. This typically is not a day to celebrate, but one to sense, to pause in order to try and grasp the depth of His love. Why He chose the cross. While I was yet wondering, he chose to die. I (we) don't have to be good enough, clean enough, put together for He chose us while we were still a hot mess.

So tonight, today, wherever your journey has taken you - stop. Let you mind settle, your emotion rest, and your past and future calm...stop. Pause. For when I take the time to actually stop, look around, and let my mind be focused on Him...I don't miss the signs, I don't miss the moments, and I can experience a peace that goes beyond my understanding.

Good Friday a day that changes everything.

Traveling in parallel.

How does one travel.

In parallel to those around. 

In center searching from within. 

In groups living life with those close. 

Inward focused. 

Outward focused. 

Never looking up. 

Always looking in. 

As I drove through downtown, a view caught my eye. 

I couldn't help to stop and capture this one moment in time. 

My mind began to wonder of travel. Of places to visit. Of places to find adventure. 

Yet, is not today already an adventure. 

Are we not all traveling through something each day. 

So how do we travel well. 

How do we travel to inspire. to grow. to invite. to challenge. 

To leave that day better than we found it. 

Today. I am reminded to look up. Take my focus outward and not always inward. 

Setting my affections on things above. 

Travel well. Travel out. Travel.